Not Enough Time!?

I feel like I’ve got so many thoughts running rampant in my head. I constantly feel tired and I also feel like time runs out everyday.

I remember hearing as a teenager, older people say that they need more hours in the day to complete everything and then the “help gurus” would say in response – “You have the same amount of hours in a day as you did ten years ago, manage it”.

This does nothing to help sort all the thoughts in my head.

Sometimes it is so noisy in my head that I don’t know what to address first so I procrastinate and distract myself by doing art or journaling (like I am now). Sometimes things are just so stressful to think about that I can’t think of anything else and I stop functioning properly.

Now I understand what the older generation meant when they would say “I wish I was young again”. Life seems to slip by so quickly. Like now, I am freaking out so badly about wasting my life away, travelling to and from work, let alone working.

Let’s work it out - there are 24 hours in a day and 120 hours in a 5 day work week.

Currently I live locally to my work so it only takes me 10 minutes max to get to work, so for argument sake let’s say that I leave for work at 7:45 am and I arrive home at say 5:30pm. That would mean out of a 24 hour day I would spend 9 ¾ hours at work so that means I spend 41% of my day at work. Now if I go to bed at say 10:30am and wake up at say 6:30am that’s 8 hours asleep. So now I’m down to 6 ¼ hours to fit in getting ready for work, cleaning my house, cooking my dinner, playing with my little dog, being a Mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend as well as finding time for study and personal time!

So you can see why I don’t do a hell of a lot at home after work because there is just no time. The funny thing is, I leave everything until the weekend but when it gets here I am so exhausted and tired that I hardly tend to those things anyway and now they are in deficit of my time!

Gosh I’m exhausted just thinking about it all.

Compulsory Time for Reflection

The last couple of weeks have been rather interesting, a bit of an eye opener for me, a bit of compulsory self exploration learning curve and this is why.

Some people have been letting me know just how much of a b*#%h I have become and how self-centred I have been acting. I'm quite embarrassed actually that I have become someone who is self-absorbed to the point that I can't see what’s right in front of my face i.e. how, in trying to "take care of me", I have been hurting/affecting others.

My coach told me that I am so out of sync with the cost of being this way, I am making myself miserable. She says that if I was truly in tune with the costs, I would change in a heart beat. I now realise what she mean't and as much as I hate to admit it, she is right.

Like Paul Henry said in an article in the paper recently - I need to stop making excuses for my lot in life, I need to ignore my negativity, open my eyes to the limitless possibilities and opportunities that come my way; everything and anything is available to me if I want it bad enough, so get up, cross the road, and get it!

A very dear friend of mine Ms Sally Anderson (www.freefallexperience.com) once told me that if you want your experience of your world to alter, you need to alter your language, for language creates the experience of the world that we are living into. It's time for me to learn a new language - the language of Freedom, Love & Passion.

Stuck in the Dark

Well I fell off the deep end yesterday, well and truly (I'm doing Jenny Craig).

When I try to think of the reasons why, I can name you half a dozen. But at the end of the day it comes down to laziness.

I'm too lazy to give a shit about myself. I've given up on me. I've tried for such a long time (years infact) to feel good about myself that I just don't anymore.

Let me explain.

When you are a child, the way that you know you are good, the way that you build your self-esteem is through affirmations from those around you, the ones that you love - namely your family. When those people continuously tease you, call you names, smack you because someone else (siblings) have done something wrong, when you are constantly called unflattering names, well then you believe what you hear and you think that of yourself.

Now, when you reach teenage years and then adulthood, you continuously look to others for approval because you already 'know' that you are no good, spoiled/useless goods. Here's the thing, if you never receive that information from others (and I don't mean your workmates, I mean those that are close to you), then you continue to think ill of yourself. You never believe in yourself, and even if you do, that wall soon comes tumbling down around you because once again you put your trust in someone who is never had anything nice to say to start with.

And the side effect to this, you continue to beat yourself up, never believe in yourself, don't give a shit whether you succeed or don't, if you hit a bump in the road to recovery, instead of just riding it out, you spin out of control, flip several times and then come to a screaming holt all battered and dented and no good to anyone.

Welcome to the world that is me.

No matter how much I try, nah want it, I just don't seem to pull myself out of this self demoralising hole. I am oblivious to the cost for me to stay here in the dark. THAT'S IT! I can't see the light. Any light that I do see is only temporary, it soon gets extinguished or goes out on it's own. Maybe I need to meditate on that and visualise a real tunnel with a huge light at the end of it with me walking towards it.

It's funny that I have made that distinction because growing up, when asked to draw where I feel I am (I've done a number of self help courses - ha ha) I use to see me looking up out of a deep well with no way of getting out and everyone else was looking in. Oh and I use to have this re-occurring dream when I was little that I lived in a house that was in a big pit and there was a terrible dragon that was trying to kill me. I would run out of the house and try and scramble up the banks but I could never get up the bank out of the pit. People were standing around the top of the bank but no one would ever bend down and give me a hand out even though I was screaming for someone to help me. Then I would hear the dragon coming for me so I would run back inside and try and hide. All through the dream I would repeat this, never able to get out.

So there you go, no wonder I have given up, no wonder I struggle to believe in myself. Oh crap, how do I break this cycle.

What was I thinking?

The following is a post that I was going to do on the 02 June:

Why is life so hurtful and hard? Why when you want to be positive about life does God through you curve balls all the time. Someone said to me this morning it’s because he gives you what you need, not what you want. So what does that mean?! He’s giving me crap so that I find the positive? I am so tired, I don’t have the mental energy at the moment to do that and I feel like I’m going to crash. Oh my I sound like such a kill joy – oh poor me, feel sorry for me blah, blah, blah, just make a choice Kim, that’s all it is, a choice. Choose happy, choose sad – it’s up to me. What if I want to wallow here for a while because to make a choice has huge sacrifices attached to it no matter what I choose. It’s lunch time and I have come home from work to let my little pup-pup out to go toile’s, but now I just don’t want to go back, I feel so brain exhausted with everything that is going on in my life that I feel like I can’t function properly. You know when your fingers work faster than your computer, or your phone when you are texting, and you confuse the shit out of the machine and it freezers or crashes, that’s what it feels like in my head right now. I have got too many choices or too many functions/events that my computer brain has frozen in mid action and is about to crash. I know that I am not suppose to be talking like this, “stay in your power – choose” is the little voice in my head. Naf off is what I am saying. I can’t choose, I won’t choose, I don’t want to choose until I am 100% sure of what I want and quite frankly, what I thought I wanted I don’t think I can have because it means I have to rely on someone else doing something that quite clearly is NOT going to happen/change because he is not ready to, doesn’t have the knowledge how to, doesn’t even know if he wants to change. I know, I know, my happiness shouldn’t be reliant on someone else but you know what, it does if I want them in my life and yes I am well aware that the only person that I can change is myself.

Well, after this I got sick, very sick, bronchial sick, for two weeks. I knew something was coming it was just a matter of when. I have now learnt the importance of taking care myself, not pushing myself beyond my ability to take care of myself and the value in saying "no sorry I can't". Ok so now I'm on the mend, it's time to take stock of what's important and to put myself on the straight and narrow.

So my friends, watch this space.

Inspiration

What profound exclamations can I bestow upon the world to inspire that masses I ponder. Well nothing really, not at 11:00pm at night when I've had stuff all sleep for the past, oh I don't know - lifetime.

Actually inspiration is around me everywhere, everyday, you just have to learn to open your eyes. It's in the coffee that the young girl at our cafe makes me (hi Kasey), its in the way my little pup pup Sooky sneezes, it's in the way that the smile on my daughter Navardas face just lights up a room, its in the frost that breaks under my step.

Inspiration is everywhere and anywhere, you just have to open your eyes (and your heart) to see it. In actual fact, when you are inspired, when you speak with passion, when you come from love and not hate or anger, YOU inspire the world - YOU inspire ME.

Drop Dead Fred

OK so Alice in Wonderland is huge at the moment and all over the world you hear about how this or that person can sooo relate to Alice and her journey through Wonderland and how the characters in the story resemble someone in their life. Well not me. When I think of what fictional story my life relates to, all I can think of is Drop Dead Fred (Written by C. Marshall).

It’s a story about a young woman who, when she was little, invented this imaginary friend called Fred. Together they would get up to all sorts of mischief but her mother locked him away in a tin. Now as a grown-up, her life is falling apart because of her controlling mother and a womanising husband. To cope with it all she “lets Fred out” and he ends up causing her a whole heap of strife, separate to what’s already wrong in her life. For me it was a story of self-realisation and of confronting your demons and becoming who you were meant to be, not who you thought everyone wanted you to be.

Right so how do I relate to that? Well, I feel as though I have a “Fred” in my life. That someone who I created when I was little to help me to cope with the wrongs in my life at the time, who now, as a grown up, still wants to muck my life up by telling me things about myself that are no longer of a service to me.

You know when we are children and we are faced with negative criticism from those that we love the most, we protect ourselves by telling ourselves that the reason they are doing such and such or saying so and so, is because there is something wrong with us. We make excuses for the offender and the bulk of the time that excuse is that we, us little people, are not good enough, brave enough, tough enough, loveable enough therefore we are to blame! What big thoughts, what grown-up thoughts for such a small wee vulnerable thing that we are at that moment. Then to add insult to injury, we carry that little voice, that little recording, THAT FRED, with us for the rest of our lives.

If we are one of the lucky ones we travel the path that says “piss off I’m a great person and that experience, that happening, had nothing to do with me” but if we are not lucky (like myself), we spend the rest of our lives beating the shit out of ourselves until one day, we end it, one way or another.

And what does my Fred tell me. He is a master at telling me how shit I am at everything I say and do – mother, wife, friend, artist, lover, employee – you name it, he tells me how much I suck at it. Then why the hell do I continue to listen? I ask myself that same question every single day of my life – for Gods sake, when am I going to stop listening?!!!

I feel like a fraud. I walk around saying how much I want to change, how much I want to improve my life, I employ the services whose business it is to help you with that process and yet here I am again listening, believing and following Fred. I am so resentful with myself, with ‘my lot in life’, that I have just stopped. Stopped functioning, stopped being a part – not of life but of myself. Oh poor me, oh whoa-is me, oh ….. SHUT UP FRED!