Stuck in the Dark

Well I fell off the deep end yesterday, well and truly (I'm doing Jenny Craig).

When I try to think of the reasons why, I can name you half a dozen. But at the end of the day it comes down to laziness.

I'm too lazy to give a shit about myself. I've given up on me. I've tried for such a long time (years infact) to feel good about myself that I just don't anymore.

Let me explain.

When you are a child, the way that you know you are good, the way that you build your self-esteem is through affirmations from those around you, the ones that you love - namely your family. When those people continuously tease you, call you names, smack you because someone else (siblings) have done something wrong, when you are constantly called unflattering names, well then you believe what you hear and you think that of yourself.

Now, when you reach teenage years and then adulthood, you continuously look to others for approval because you already 'know' that you are no good, spoiled/useless goods. Here's the thing, if you never receive that information from others (and I don't mean your workmates, I mean those that are close to you), then you continue to think ill of yourself. You never believe in yourself, and even if you do, that wall soon comes tumbling down around you because once again you put your trust in someone who is never had anything nice to say to start with.

And the side effect to this, you continue to beat yourself up, never believe in yourself, don't give a shit whether you succeed or don't, if you hit a bump in the road to recovery, instead of just riding it out, you spin out of control, flip several times and then come to a screaming holt all battered and dented and no good to anyone.

Welcome to the world that is me.

No matter how much I try, nah want it, I just don't seem to pull myself out of this self demoralising hole. I am oblivious to the cost for me to stay here in the dark. THAT'S IT! I can't see the light. Any light that I do see is only temporary, it soon gets extinguished or goes out on it's own. Maybe I need to meditate on that and visualise a real tunnel with a huge light at the end of it with me walking towards it.

It's funny that I have made that distinction because growing up, when asked to draw where I feel I am (I've done a number of self help courses - ha ha) I use to see me looking up out of a deep well with no way of getting out and everyone else was looking in. Oh and I use to have this re-occurring dream when I was little that I lived in a house that was in a big pit and there was a terrible dragon that was trying to kill me. I would run out of the house and try and scramble up the banks but I could never get up the bank out of the pit. People were standing around the top of the bank but no one would ever bend down and give me a hand out even though I was screaming for someone to help me. Then I would hear the dragon coming for me so I would run back inside and try and hide. All through the dream I would repeat this, never able to get out.

So there you go, no wonder I have given up, no wonder I struggle to believe in myself. Oh crap, how do I break this cycle.