When I think of choices I think of a journey along a path, with multiple paths all connecting into it, many going forward, many turning back on to itself, some lead to nice places and some lead to some not so nice places.
I know that my choices have lead me to where I am today and that my choices continue to guide me and be my navigation to where I travel but I think that a long time ago I put myself on autopilot and ignored where that path took me. When I finally opened my eyes and went back to the helm I was confused as to how I got to where I was and I tried to find the answer from outward sources but I now know, deep in my soul, that I am where I am because I chose it.
I also had never really thought about how my choices made me feel. I always seem to blame everything and everyone else for my lot in life. Now I understand that my choices determine my feelings, and not some outside thing or person. I now know that everyday I have a choice when I get out of bed to either smile or frown, no one, or thing, makes that decision for me.
I actually don’t like having this knowledge, knowing that I am responsible for where I end up. I have spent so many years blaming my upbringing for where I am and how I feel about myself, that now knowing in actual fact I am responsible for it all means if I want my life to be different, better, I have to do things differently. I have to make better choices, new choices, hard choices, and that makes me experience one of my biggest fears – the fear of failure. Failure to me equals being seen as a bad person, an unlovable person, someone no one will like. Failure equals being stuck and never amounting to anything and never getting out of the rut that I perceive my life to be stuck in.
A belief in myself and my ability to succeed, determination, a positive attitude, and proper planning, with the support from those around me keeps me on my true path; it helps me to go forward. But not believing in myself when things have got tougher, being around negative people who tell me I’ve set my goals/sights too high, pulls me off my path and the more I focus on these things, the more I stray from where I want to go, where I want to be.
The biggest surprise for me has been that all this time I thought I had been taking responsibility for myself but in reality I really wasn’t, when I look at my destructive patterns I can see how much I have continued to automatically blame outside influences for where I am and why I do things.
Knowledge is power and I am excited that now I have identified how I have been sabotaging myself, I can start taking steps to get back on my true path. I must admit though, I am hugely fearful that I will make these plans and goals and promises but I will continue to let myself down and stop experiencing life and continue to self destruct.
I know now that if I want to end up where I want to be each day, I have to plan things out, I have to have a ‘fall-back’ plan for when things show up outside of that plan that could potentially pull me off my path. I need to surround myself with positive people, and may be even learn positive meditation techniques where I say positive affirmations about myself to myself. I need to stop listening to my moon people and I need to talk to my truthteller and listen to my truthteller, I need to make time in my day to do yoga and practice meditation and I really need to stop putting myself onto autopilot.
I don’t have to live like this any more, I can change how my life is by changing my patterns, and that’s ok to do. My patterns are only patterns, they are not solid matter, and I can change them and make new patterns, positive ones that will benefit my life, not hinder it or stop me. I can do this, even if things get hard I can do it anyway, the choice is mine, I deserve this, and this is what I want for myself.
DO IT ANYWAY!
