Why is life so hurtful and hard? Why when you want to be positive about life does God through you curve balls all the time. Someone said to me this morning it’s because he gives you what you need, not what you want. So what does that mean?! He’s giving me crap so that I find the positive? I am so tired, I don’t have the mental energy at the moment to do that and I feel like I’m going to crash. Oh my I sound like such a kill joy – oh poor me, feel sorry for me blah, blah, blah, just make a choice Kim, that’s all it is, a choice. Choose happy, choose sad – it’s up to me. What if I want to wallow here for a while because to make a choice has huge sacrifices attached to it no matter what I choose. It’s lunch time and I have come home from work to let my little pup-pup out to go toile’s, but now I just don’t want to go back, I feel so brain exhausted with everything that is going on in my life that I feel like I can’t function properly. You know when your fingers work faster than your computer, or your phone when you are texting, and you confuse the shit out of the machine and it freezers or crashes, that’s what it feels like in my head right now. I have got too many choices or too many functions/events that my computer brain has frozen in mid action and is about to crash. I know that I am not suppose to be talking like this, “stay in your power – choose” is the little voice in my head. Naf off is what I am saying. I can’t choose, I won’t choose, I don’t want to choose until I am 100% sure of what I want and quite frankly, what I thought I wanted I don’t think I can have because it means I have to rely on someone else doing something that quite clearly is NOT going to happen/change because he is not ready to, doesn’t have the knowledge how to, doesn’t even know if he wants to change. I know, I know, my happiness shouldn’t be reliant on someone else but you know what, it does if I want them in my life and yes I am well aware that the only person that I can change is myself.
Well, after this I got sick, very sick, bronchial sick, for two weeks. I knew something was coming it was just a matter of when. I have now learnt the importance of taking care myself, not pushing myself beyond my ability to take care of myself and the value in saying "no sorry I can't". Ok so now I'm on the mend, it's time to take stock of what's important and to put myself on the straight and narrow.
So my friends, watch this space.
