An Ode to BGC Feb 2012

Hey you guys.  I miss all of you so much, I miss being in the art room with you and listening to all the chatter and the giggles, I miss listening to everyone sharing the inner-most sanctum of themselvs at red carpet, I miss the love and support that we all gave one another, the hugs, the tears, the communial box of tissues, I miss the whole vibe that surrounded the Brave Girls Cabin.

I have sat here at my computer, quitely keeping up to date with everyones busy lives, being spiritually inspired and uplifted everytime one us reaches out and so many of us reach back grab hold and hug the spook right out of what ever is taking hold at the time.  Well in a sense I think I am reaching out, but not in the customary fashion.  I just feel that I need to “speak” my thoughts out loud because they are becoming so jumbled in my head.

I believe I suffer Melancholy, on a regular basis, and I’m there now.

Do you know that the Thesaurus gives the following as replacement words for Melancholy:  Sad, Depressed, Downhearted, Miserable, Down, Low, Glum, Gloomy, Unhappy, Despondet, Dejected, Dismal, Down in the Dumps, Sadness, Unhappiness, Dejection, Sorrow, Downheartedness, Depression, Gloominess, Despondency, The Blues… I’m sure the list could go on and on - man am I exhausted from feeling like that.

I don’t have the wonderful community here in NZ that I had there with you guys, there is no one I can call in the middle of the night, someone who I can just say “hey you want to do coffee”, and everytime I read that some of you are getting together (which I totally think is so awesome) my heart breaks a little more because I can’t have that too.  Sometimes a hug heals 100% more than words on a page and I am such a tactile person. 

When I came back from camp I felt so alive, I was UNCAGED and ready to take on my new life, I was going to make all these changes to my life – for the better – and I was going to finally live the life I wanted to live, I felt the fear but I was going to do it anyway.  Then reality hit, “life” came home and I got the mega blues and I have been trying to rid myself of it ever since. 

I knew what I wanted, where I wanted my life to head but now that I am on the outside of my cage, I have no friggin idea how to get it, I don’t even know how to take one tiny baby step towards it, so I sit here in my big office chair leaning back and doing… absolutely nothing…. except feed the dispair. 

The real stupid thing is, my eyes are wide open, I know I am on the outside of my cage, I know that I am loved and supported and brave and can do it anyway, I’ve done the program and bought the t-shirt, but I just can’t step away from the cage because I don’t know which way to step. 

It’s like walking in the desert, sand everywhere but then you come across an oasis, beautiful, full of promise, fresh water, big flowing tents, wonderful food, beautiful people and for a short but amazing time you are revived of your thurst, and your hunger, and you set off on your journey full of promise, with a little more knowledge then when you arrived.  But now you find yourself back in the desert, and even though there is slightly a little more greenery now, you still have no idea in what direction to go, you know in a north east south west sort of way but you don’t have a compass so your not sure which is which.  Does that make sense?

All I do know is that I was told several times to share my thoughts and so I finally listened and each day I will continue to ask which way, and each day I will try to quite my mind and listen, and hopefully soon he will tell me/guide me/sign me, so that I can get out of this Melancholy desert and live the life I’m suppose to live.