Feed the Soul and the rest will follow.

I need to do something about my weight, not because of how I look but because of how I feel. I feel sick, all the time, I get headaches, all the time, I am out of breath, all the time, I am tired and lethargic, all the time.

I need to do something about it.

I know what I have to do but I’m afraid. Mostly, I’m afraid that I will fail but there are underlying issues as well, that I wasn’t aware of until just now.

I’m afraid that trying to do better, fitness and health wise, is going to take over my life, like it always has done in the past.

I’m afraid that I am going to obsess about food constantly and won’t be able to think about anything else but that.

I’m afraid that I’ll have to give up all the things I love to do like journaling and scrapbooking and creating because I’m going to either be too busy trying to loose weight or too tired to stay awake because I have been busy trying to loose weight and getting up early in the morning to do so.

I’m afraid that I won’t have any time left for my family because I will be too busy doing exercise, or that I won’t be able to do social activities with them because I will be too afraid to eat.

I’m afraid that my lack of enthusiasm for exercise will stop me from continuing because for me, it’s way too boring.

One would think that if I am suffering as much as I said I am in the beginning, that would out way/subdue any of my fears – BUT IT DOESN’T!!

I am so confused, why is my health not as important as it should be, being unwell makes me miserable and yet my fears keep me from doing anything about it. Or am I really just that lazy???

Thinking about it now, I actually think that it’s because my soul is being suffocated, and if my soul is unhappy then the rest of my life suffers. I know that when I am soulfully happy then I have a lot of enthusiasm for all areas of my life, but when it is not happy then my body suffers.

Feed the soul and the rest will follow.

An Ode to BGC Feb 2012

Hey you guys.  I miss all of you so much, I miss being in the art room with you and listening to all the chatter and the giggles, I miss listening to everyone sharing the inner-most sanctum of themselvs at red carpet, I miss the love and support that we all gave one another, the hugs, the tears, the communial box of tissues, I miss the whole vibe that surrounded the Brave Girls Cabin.

I have sat here at my computer, quitely keeping up to date with everyones busy lives, being spiritually inspired and uplifted everytime one us reaches out and so many of us reach back grab hold and hug the spook right out of what ever is taking hold at the time.  Well in a sense I think I am reaching out, but not in the customary fashion.  I just feel that I need to “speak” my thoughts out loud because they are becoming so jumbled in my head.

I believe I suffer Melancholy, on a regular basis, and I’m there now.

Do you know that the Thesaurus gives the following as replacement words for Melancholy:  Sad, Depressed, Downhearted, Miserable, Down, Low, Glum, Gloomy, Unhappy, Despondet, Dejected, Dismal, Down in the Dumps, Sadness, Unhappiness, Dejection, Sorrow, Downheartedness, Depression, Gloominess, Despondency, The Blues… I’m sure the list could go on and on - man am I exhausted from feeling like that.

I don’t have the wonderful community here in NZ that I had there with you guys, there is no one I can call in the middle of the night, someone who I can just say “hey you want to do coffee”, and everytime I read that some of you are getting together (which I totally think is so awesome) my heart breaks a little more because I can’t have that too.  Sometimes a hug heals 100% more than words on a page and I am such a tactile person. 

When I came back from camp I felt so alive, I was UNCAGED and ready to take on my new life, I was going to make all these changes to my life – for the better – and I was going to finally live the life I wanted to live, I felt the fear but I was going to do it anyway.  Then reality hit, “life” came home and I got the mega blues and I have been trying to rid myself of it ever since. 

I knew what I wanted, where I wanted my life to head but now that I am on the outside of my cage, I have no friggin idea how to get it, I don’t even know how to take one tiny baby step towards it, so I sit here in my big office chair leaning back and doing… absolutely nothing…. except feed the dispair. 

The real stupid thing is, my eyes are wide open, I know I am on the outside of my cage, I know that I am loved and supported and brave and can do it anyway, I’ve done the program and bought the t-shirt, but I just can’t step away from the cage because I don’t know which way to step. 

It’s like walking in the desert, sand everywhere but then you come across an oasis, beautiful, full of promise, fresh water, big flowing tents, wonderful food, beautiful people and for a short but amazing time you are revived of your thurst, and your hunger, and you set off on your journey full of promise, with a little more knowledge then when you arrived.  But now you find yourself back in the desert, and even though there is slightly a little more greenery now, you still have no idea in what direction to go, you know in a north east south west sort of way but you don’t have a compass so your not sure which is which.  Does that make sense?

All I do know is that I was told several times to share my thoughts and so I finally listened and each day I will continue to ask which way, and each day I will try to quite my mind and listen, and hopefully soon he will tell me/guide me/sign me, so that I can get out of this Melancholy desert and live the life I’m suppose to live.

Procrastination

I think I'm going to write about procrastination, why procrastination? Well because procrastination is my best friend, it's what I know best how to do. If they gave out awards for it, I would get one, with honors.

The Collins Paper Back English Dictionary defines procrastination as a noun for procrastinate which means "to put off (an action) until later; or to "delay".

Yep, that's me, Princess Procrastinator. You see, I have recently got home from this amazing camp and I had all these great ideas of what I was going to do when I got home and what I was going to complete. I was excited, revived, I felt reborn even. But then I had me some 'cool whip'! You see 'cool whip' my friends is procrastinations best ally, it's a smoke screen for the dangers that lurk behind.

Let me explain it a bit more ..... normal for you. 'Cool Whip' is a metaphor for all those things we do, say or think we need to have, do or achieve BEFORE we can start something we need/want to start. Here's an example for you based on my own cool whip.

I really wanted/want to create really cool journal pages that other people will look at and want to learn how to do, ok, so I tell myself well yes that's doable BUT FIRST - cool whip moment - I have to learn all that I can about how to create great pages then, AND ONLY THEN, can I achieve my goal of producing great journal pages. Sooooo, many, many, many e-classes, you-tube videos and wonderful delicious blogs later, I discover that procrastination has moved in, made a complete mess and is relaxing in the lazy boy with its feet up!!!! Procrastination has dangled yummy 'cool whip' treats in front of my eyes and like an obeying hungry mule, I follow, completely forgetting where I was going, what my goal was, and almost always creating NO ART.

I have lost count of how many times I have had procrastination over for a play date, often ending with a sleepover for several nights. I am exhausted from doing.... well, nothing, and I have, as promised by my new friend procrastination, nothing to show for it. All of this 'putting off until later' has made me feel brain-numb, a bit like a zombie except I'm still alive and with a pulse, functioning but only physically, walking through life in a daze, not really knowing what’s going on, not really having any ideas or solutions of my own, just being for the sake of being.

I want off of this diet of "cool whip"; I want to feel alive again. I want to feel that I can create things that have come from my own brain, my own heart, my own soul. I don't want any more bright and pretty dangly "cool whip" (yes I know cool whip is something that you eat and is not bright nor dangly, stay with me here), I want to feed my soul by being original, I want to be able to say NO when procrastination wants to come and play, I want to 'do it anyway' despite/in spite of procrastination.

Here’s an idea, maybe I should trick procrastination and do a change of address postcard to procrastination so that it doesn't visit me anymore. Maybe that’s what I’ll do….

p.s. if you want to know more about the ‘cool whip diet’ and how to overcome it, please visit http://bravegirlsclub.com/, you won’t regret it.

Where Is My Mind

Where is my mind? It’s not here at work where it’s supposed to be. It’s off chasing rainbows, dreams of a life that, to me, seems a million miles away.

I have been fortunate enough to have participated in two fantastically amazing online soul-restoration workshops, thanks to the wonderful Brave Girls Club. For me it was all about reconnecting with me, the ‘me’ that I lost many, many, years ago. What I discovered was how much I love taking care of my family, my wonderful husband and my beautiful and talented daughter. It’s funny you know, for years I had fought against exactly that, but now I realize how much I miss it

So what am I dreaming about, I dream of one day giving up working in an office, staying home taking care of my family and my home, creating and selling art and helping to bring joy to others. But here in New Zealand, unless you’re one of the fortunate ones, that isn’t a possibility. The question that rises in my mind now is “should we be looking at moving to another country?”

Another dream I have is about food – I love food, I love to eat, I love to taste the flavors and feel the textures on my tongue. There is only one problem; I hate what it has done to my body, the end result of my love affair with food. If only I had more time to be able to work out how I can have the best of both worlds – the food I love and a body to be proud of. Don’t get me wrong, don’t judge what I am saying, I am not interested in having an Elle McPherson body, I just want one that is healthy, fit, strong and supple. Skinny is for all those poor models who, in my eyes, need to have a really good feed.

Two great friends have both said the following to me; “if you were in tune with the costs, you would change in a heart beat”. Why am I not in tune! Why do I continue to come up with excuse after excuse as to why I don’t change what is not good for me, I have the power to do that, and only I can do that for myself – why am I fighting what I really want!? Do I not love myself enough to allow myself to be happy!? Why do I continue to give the power over to other people and to the excuses? All I can hear is my mothers voice telling me that I live in la-la land, that my dreams are not real and never will be real, it’s all just a fantasy that I have made up in my head, that the reality of it all is that I have to keep doing what I am doing because that’s all that’s available to me.

Am I practicing what I learnt, no! Am I listening to my truth teller, no! Am I being true to myself, NO!!! Maybe I should re-visit those classes, it is obvious to me that I have let moon people back into my soul house and they are having a wild party in there, destroying all that I have built/repaired, while I sit there watching, wrapped up in the straight jacket that I have put on myself.

Ok so here is my message to myself, received from the Brave Girls Clubs' “a little birdie told me…”

Dear Lovely Girl,

It is so important to listen to the right voices. Many times, we must tune out almost every voice around us to be able to focus on what is true for our own lives.

Please don't give any heed at all to the useless opinions of others, beautiful friend. Act for yourself. Face your own truths...then act on your own truths.

Turn off the confusing lies, tune them out...plug your ears when there are annoying, loud, negative voices that have no business giving you opinions about your own life.

You know SO much more than you think you know. Your inner compass will guide you. Those feelings in your gut are your deepest wisdom. Be brave and tune out all of the voices, except the voices that are speaking your truth.

You are courageous and amazing....and oh so loved.